


Love, harder than it used to be

by LydeNicoKITE



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: A lot of family feelings, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Nicky, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Immortal family, Internalized Acephobia, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Team as Family, Their band is so cool I wish I could listen to their music, There is NOTHING between Joe and Booker, is it an original character if it's me making fun of Shakespeare having a thing for Nicky?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LydeNicoKITE/pseuds/LydeNicoKITE
Summary: 'The year they get nominated for a Grammy and their lead single reaches the 1# spot on Billboard is also the year they talk about disbanding, because this is the kind of irony that rules over Nicky’s life.'Struggling with fame and secrets, touring and feelings, Nicky fears his family is slowly falling apart under the weight of things unsaid. Even Joe, his best friend and soulmate and probably the love of his life (not that he will ever know that), feels terribly distant. Sometimes it even looks like Joe loves him back, while according to their fans #Jookerisreal and Nicky and Joe are the best best-friends-platonic-soulmates ever existed. It's complicated.Or: things go bad for a while, then turn out more than okay, as it usually happens with families and people in love.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 72
Kudos: 328





	Love, harder than it used to be

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you like this. thank you to the three people who answered my 'tumblr or ao3' poll, sorry I deleted the post, I am high on caffeine, sleep deprivation and and feelings.  
> This is unbetaed and a mess, and a very personal mess on top of that. I don't know if I'm on the ace spectrum (yet), it's been a confusing time for me, and I really felt the need to write this. If there's anything you feel I should change, maybe tell me in the kindest way you manage, and I'll do my best.  
> As always, thank you for being amazing, here and on tumblr.  
> yours,  
> Lyde :3
> 
> P.S. the title comes from a song which fits perfectly, 'Paper planes' by Elina  
> P.P.S. you can skip the wikipedia article (even if it brings LORE to the au?? I guess), I just live for this meta shit and music au in general

###  **_Love, harder than it used to be_ **

**([a song I like](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2F9JE9hlkhDok&t=Mjk4NWJkZThkYTcyMWRmMDFlYzgzZGM0ZjE1NjEyOTM0NjFkZmJmNixjOWYxZDQ1MWNiOTc0M2EwNmY4Y2I2ODg4NmM3NWQwY2FjZWZiZGY0&ts=1610387729))**

https://wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Old_Guard.

> **THE OLD GUARD**
> 
> **From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia**
> 
> **The Old Guard** are a pop rock band formed in 2010 in Rome, Italy. Now based in Goussainville, near Paris, France, the band consists of the leader, vocalist and producer  Andy ‘The Scythian’ , lead vocalist  Nile Freeman , lead guitarist and lyricist  Yusuf Al-Kaysani , bassist, pianist and producer  Nicolò Di Genova , and drummer  Sebastien Le Livre . The original composition featured as main vocalist  Quỳnh , replaced in 2017 by Freeman.
> 
> The band origins trace to their attendance at the same secondary school and playing together as teenagers. After years of small gigs that allowed them to build a small but loyal fanbase, the band signed a deal with History Records in 2013 thanks to James Copley, who acts as the band manager up to this day. Their first self-titled album was released in 2014, but failed to receive widespread recognition by the public, despite the warm critical reviews. Soon after, the band started working on a two-album cycle titled ‘A.L.ON.E’ composed of ‘At Last: sea’ (2016) and ‘ON Eternity’ (2017). ‘ON Eternity’ was the first and only album to feature both Quỳnh and Nile Freeman’s vocals, after the completion of the album the Vietnamese-Italian singer left the band leaving Freeman as the main vocalist. 
> 
> While ‘At last: Sea’ met a similar fate as self-titled, reaching few people outside of their growing fanbase, the two singles ‘Iron Coffin’ and ‘Inferno’ reached no.23 and 42 respectively in the US, UK and Italy, inspiring the band to follow the same eclectic style for ‘ON Eternity’.
> 
> ‘ON Eternity’ had five singles, each of them focusing on an original member of the band, ‘Scythe’, ‘Golden’, ‘Malta’, ‘Misérables’ and ‘Odissey’. Despite the differences in genre and feeling of the songs, all five singles charted in Italy and the UK and received airplay in several other countries. ‘Golden’, written by Yusuf Al-Kaysani, was their first song to surpass 200M views on YouTube. It was clear that the band was on the verge of reaching its full potential. The band surprised the fans going on hiatus throughout 2018 and 2019 following the departure of Quỳnh.
> 
> Their fourth studio album, ‘Reiteration of a Dream’ (2020), was released to widespread critical acclaim in July and soon became one of the 10 best-selling albums of the year, the main singles all reached the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for several weeks. The band was nominated for Best Album Of The Year and Best Group Performance, Best Pop Song and Best Rock Song for the singles ‘Reiteration of a Dream’ and ‘Brothers’ respectively. 
> 
> The Old Guard has garnered acclaim for their exploration of an eclectic range of genres such as pop rock, synth-pop, R&B, funk rock, electropop, and forms of rock music (such as shoegaze, post-punk and post-rock), as well as elements of jazz, soul and gospel.
> 
> ….

The year they get nominated for a Grammy and their lead single reaches the 1# spot on Billboard is also the year they talk about disbanding, because this is the kind of irony that rules over Nicky’s life.

They’re all tense and so tired that exhaustion makes sleep difficult and permeates every thought. They are not stopping, they _can’t_ , not after six years of hard work and insults and small venues and haters, not when success is in the air, shaping their lives into a new form. They accept all the invitations to perform at different award shows and their tour has been going on for seven months, each venue bigger than the one before to keep up with the demands. Money is _earned,_ fame is not free _,_ they’re getting rich and famous and adored through exhaustion and dance practices and bleeding fingers, aching muscles, but it’s still _so much money_. So many people watching them play, clicking on their videos, writing tweets and posts about them. Everything is too much. They’re fraying at the edges and Nicky feels a breath away from drowning.

(How would it be to drown in gold without ever telling Joe that—

He can’t.)

With his new money, Nicky bought a villa for his parents. Joe is paying for his siblings’ education, marveling at how easy it is to get things when you have money. Booker doesn’t worry about clothes or food anymore —Nicky remembers how Booker’s first pair of vans lasted four years, until there were the three holes you could see his socks through. Even Andy finds a way to use her share, donating money to the children left without a family like she was. Nicky sees how Copley looks at them, like they’re some kind of hybrid between the penniless band he met in a bar with terrible acoustics, and the rockstars they are becoming, people that apparently deserve to appear on the cover of Vogue as entertainer of the year. Nicky wants to tell him they haven’t changed, but he would never lie to the first person who believed in them. He doesn’t know what they’re becoming, only that they’re changing and maybe they are changing not together.

They’re making so much money that it’s kind of ridiculous how much they argue for the smallest things. They have never been as close as in the beginning, when Joe and Nicky shared a bed because it was cold and they didn’t have money to buy a new mattress. Fans love a video of their first apartment, uploaded years ago for their earliest fans, because rags to riches stories are good when you’re looking back from the destination.

When a bad fight leaves the group shaken, the words ‘ _ Maybe we should stop _ ’ once again squeezing his throat until he doesn’t know what to say anymore, Nicky goes back to that video, where Andy still has long hair and Quỳnh is still with them and Joe’s eyes look even bigger and sparkle in the dim light of their small living room/kitchen. It’s never a good idea but Nicky clicks on the Youtube video —16 million views— and watches it from start to finish, cheeks burning with embarrassment when he gets to the part where it’s his turn to talk and young-Nicky is too uncomfortable to talk directly at the camera, so instead he looks at Quỳnh’s shoulder and explains with a constipated expression what he’s making in the small kitchen area —vegetarian lasagne, because Joe likes them.

It’s an even worse idea reading the comments, but Nicky does, every single time. Booker hates him for it when he catches him in the act, so Nicky watches the video the others aren’t around.

_ Mini Jooker kills me every time. The way Booker looks at Joe and Joe looks back.... _

_ I can’t watch this video without crying, I miss Quỳnh. I get that she didn’t want that life anymore but it’s not the same without her. I like Nile but it’s just not the same. _

_ I want what they have TvT the Jooker hug!!! _

_ Best part of the video is when Joe is talking with Nicky but Booker is looking at Joe like he hung the moon, it’s been six years and I’m not over them😭💓 _

_ Nicky and Joe have the best friendship ever _

_ No one: not a single soul: joe:Booker!! *anime eyes* _

_ NickyJoe platonic soulmates✨ their friendship is so pure _

And so on. Their fans have always seen things through a distorted mirror, one where Joe and Booker are apparently in love, hiding their relationship to avoid backlash. As if Joe hasn’t been out since forever and Booker didn’t have a girlfriend for three years, before distance and fame and alcohol made her go away. No matter how much the band says “Jooker” isn’t real, fans believe their own story, obsessing over details until Joe had to stop wearing rings because they took it as a sign Joe and Booker were secretly married.

Nicky reads the comments and his chest hurts, because a part of him wishes someone watched the video and saw the truth, or at least his part of it: the way young-Nicky looked and talked about Joe like someone who has been in love with his best friend forever. Even if that someone is broken and doesn’t want sex, ever, so he can’t give Joe what he deserves.

Nicky is Joe’s best friend and soulmate, his other half, his partner in crime, the person he locks eyes with when they have to split in couples for an interview. Nicky gets up in the morning and knows that sooner or later Joe will sit next to him after prayer, and it will take them less than a minute before Joe decides that Nicky’s lap is more comfortable than any chair or sofa, and this is how Andy finds them almost every morning: Nicky holding his breath, careful not to disturb Joe, holding the love of his life at the best of his abilities, for as long as he can.

(He wants to kiss Joe every morning. He holds him even if it burns.)

No one has ever guessed his feelings except Andy. Nicky told Copley and Quỳnh about himself and his love for Joe, but only because Copley is their manager and and somehow disconnected from them, and Quỳnh because they both knew she would leave sooner or later.

Nicky had the privilege to be Quỳnh’s best friend before they met Booker, who introduced them to Andy and Joe. When the Guard was born, she made him promise not to tell anyone that she didn’t want to be a rockstar, she just wanted Andy, even if Nicky wonders if Quỳnh ever realised she was the most talented of them after Joe, that she could have been a star, painting the world with the red of her smile. No one really understood her choice when she left, too busy being fuelled by ambition and love for their music, but they let her go. Andy let her go first, breaking up with her in a businesslike manner betrayed only by the unshed tears in her eyes. 

According to Joe, if the band dissolved tomorrow, Andy would go to Quỳnh’s flat and ask her to try again. Joe chooses to ignore how their situation is more complicated than that, probably because he is a romantic at heart, but Nicky knows, from watching the others and from Quỳnh’s words, that the girls are both stubborn and Quỳnh doesn’t want to be the reason Andy loses her dream.

Nowadays they just exchange long phone calls and letters, and the band pretends they don’t miss Quỳnh every day, a gap in their formation. They pretend Andy doesn’t love Quỳnh anymore, that Quỳnh moved on, even if it’s the most ridiculous thing to do because Nicky realised he was in love with Joe by looking at the way Andy and Quỳnh held hands while they slept. Humans learn by imitation, and Andy and Quỳnh were Nicky’s love blueprint.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Nicky doesn’t want the band to break up. It wouldn’t really fix Quỳnh and Andy’s relationship, or the gap between Booker and everyone else since the night Merrick made an offer and Booker accepted it —he accepted and then came back, but still, Nicky doesn’t forget. Disbanding would just mean they’re giving up on being a family, but that’s not something Nicky can agree to without setting fire to his own heart first. Disbanding would mean Joe could find someone  _ for forever _ easily, and Nicky wants and fears that with the entire force of his ten year old feelings.

Nicky wonders if his whole life will probably be a series of compromises: success, but they’re always fighting, money, but he has to spend it alone, Joe’s love for him, but not like Nicky secretly wishes for. (Sure in his feelings, but secretly wondering if he is broken.)

Joe called Nicky his soulmate in more than one acceptance speech —they’re getting used to winning awards, even if no practice can help Nicky look less like an idiot when he has to speak and Joe has already said everything there is to say. After the soulmate speech, Joe and Nicky did their usual ritual, the head bonk that makes the fans scream because they’re cute, and Nicky was sure Joe was going to kiss him —it happened before in the heat of the moment after a good show. Joe’s eyes were even more arresting than usual with makeup. But Joe only said: “You’re my person. I love you, Nicky”, like a thousand times before. Later they both acted like they were robbed of a possibility.

(That’s not true on Nicky’s part, he had his chance. He had it. It’s his fault if it didn’t work.

He remembers the golden June of their second year, Joe kissed him. They had been slowly moving towards that kiss for two years and Nicky was thrilled, hopelessly in love, hands shaking as Joe dragged him closer, and it didn’t matter that they weren’t alone, that Andy and the others were a room away. It was perfect, until Nicky panicked, shoving Joe away. He couldn’t keep kissing Joe, not when he knew what Joe liked late at night, what Joe did with his ex when he asked Nicky to leave the room for a while—Nicky remembers June and how everything crumbled, how Joe saw the fear in Nicky’s eyes and read everything wrong.

_ “I didn’t mean—Nicky, I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. Tell me I didn’t ruin everything. I thought you wanted this.” _

Nicky looked at Joe, heart in pieces. ‘Of course I want you’, that’s what he wanted to say. But Joe deserved more. Joe was reading him all wrong, and Nicky let him. It was probably better than telling the truth anyway, as he didn’t know what the truth was at the time.

“ _ We... we’ll be okay. I’ll—I’ll see you later. I have to go. We’ll be okay.” _

He doesn’t forgive himself for hurting Joe, he thinks he never will.)

This is the real problem. Nicky and Joe are each other’s first, something Andy understands, Nile admires and Booker envies. This makes it impossible for Nicky to move on, even if it’s been five years since Copley discreetly sent him links and pamphlets about the ace spectrum. Nicky knows what he is not comfortable with, no matter how much he likes the person in front of him, and what he wants —kisses, intimacy, sleeping next to someone he loves, curls under his fingers, someone who brings an extra pair of gloves because Nicky always forgets his, long hugs, cuddles. But he also wants Joe, which makes every other possibility irrelevant.

Joe doesn’t know. That’s another reason why they’re fighting: there are secrets piling up between them, some bigger than others. Booker being back is still an open wound, Andy is tired and dreams of a solo career or no career at all, Joe wants more songs with just his name in the credits, Nile is fighting her way out of Quỳnh’s shadow, Nicky hates how everyone expects him to pick a stranger and fuck him after a few dates. They could work it out if they had a moment to breathe and regroup like that month in Malta, Nicky is sure, but they can’t stop now. They’re taking over the world, it doesn't matter if the troops are tired.

The worst thing is—The worst thing. Is. Nicky is blinking back tears, the stupid video playing in the background, filling the air with Joe’s laugh and Quỳnh’s cackle. Nicky hears himself sobbing. 

The thing is: for the first time, Joe was the one who brought up the possibility of ending the band.

Joe loves being in a band, the Guard is his baby, he is the one who designed their logo and had the idea for the name. He has all the cards to go solo, always has, but he’s a team player and believes that together they can win against everything. Today was different, because Joe just came back from home, where he spoke to his oldest friend Lykon, the one Nicky very much tries not to be jealous of and fails, and since Joe came back he hasn’t hugged Nicky once. Since he came back, Joe hasn’t said that they need to keep being a family.

Nicky sobs. Joe said: “I have a date, I don’t have time for this shit.”

Nicky stupidly tried to stop Joe from leaving, an abrupt gesture the other met with eyes colder than ever. He has seen Joe angry before, but never at him, never with that viciousness Joe reserves to the ones who hurt him the most.

“Don’t even start, Nicky. Not you.”

Nicky took a step back, stunned, tears in his eyes, but thank God Joe was already out of the room, getting ready for his date, and now Nicky is going to read all the youtube comments that say that he has never been in love with Joe, that JoeNicky are best friends and nothing else will ever happen.

It would be easier if the fans were right. They would create a reality without cracks, polished and fake. Maybe in the Jooker universe Nicky never hurt Joe like he did in this one.

That’s how Andy finds him, long after the end of the video of their last performance, where fans obsessed over Joe and Booker’s painfully bro-ish fistbump and completely ignored how Nicky almost missed his cue to sing because he was lost in Joe’s voice.

He expects Andy to be embarrassed but kind, secretly hopes for a hug. Joe’s hugs are the best ones, but Andy goes soft when she hugs him, holds him close and leaves a hand around Nicky’s neck like a caress before leaving.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Andy says instead, so Nicky scrambles to his feet, feeling breathless, alone, a little angry. He regrets leaving the door of his room ajar.

“What do you mean?” He tucks his phone in his pocket, no texts from Joe.

“With Joe. I thought you two were fine. I thought you’d let him go, you can’t do this.”

Andy is visibly angry, with just a hint of worry and confusion to soften the blow of her words. 

“I did, I let him go. I didn’t do anything,” he defends himself.

“Well, you obviously did  _ something _ , because Lykon said Joe is thinking about you again and you don’t like him anymore, so why are you giving him hope?”

“I don’t know what Joe told Lykon, but I’ve been careful. I haven’t done anything different than usual, he doesn’t know I love him. He doesn’t know.”

Andy closes her eyes and frowns, “You love him,” she repeats.

“Yes,” Nicky has so much to lose, but this confession doesn’t make things worse. “You know this.”

“I thought you liked him then realised you were better off as friends,” Andy snaps like an accusation, then recomposes herself. She is so tired these days, she looks older than her 27 years. She is the oldest and the strongest of them, but this makes her the most lonely. Nicky wrote lyrics for her and called the song ‘Atlas’, but the page sits in his secret drawer with all the letters he wrote for Joe. 

Apparently patience is out of the question, “Then why the fuck aren’t you two resolving ten years of sexual tension and make at least one thing slightly less shitty?” she says, her blue eyes ablaze. 

Something inside Nicky breaks loose. 

“Because I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to have sex, even if it’s Joe,” Nicky exhales words that have waited in his chest for years, and this is the moment when Andy hugs him, so his last words hit her shoulder: “I’m asexual, Andy.”

Andy hugs him and lets him breathe until his heart calms down again. 

“ _ Nicky _ ,” Andy is shaken by his tears, so unused to them. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You’re our Nicky,” she hears him clearing his throat and lets him end the hug. Her hand brushes tears away from his cheeks, in the fierce protectiveness that’s the material of her soul. “There is no family without you. No guard without you. You’re good.”

“I don’t know how to tell Joe.”

“He loves you so much.”

“He moved on,” Nicky shakes his head. “And it’s not easy.”

“You don’t have to do it. But you deserve to be happy,” Andy tries for a smile. “We all thought you and William were going strong.” 

“There’s only Joe.”

He says it like it’s simple. It’s not, not after ten years of growing up and changing and trying keeping everyone close with sheer determination.

“I have to call Quỳnh. See you at dinner,” she says. This is how Nicky knows she understands. 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

William is the first person who kisses him  _ after  _ Nicky explains very clearly what he wants and what he’ll never be interested in (it’s the best strategy, despite the emotional toll it requires). William, who is charming in every feature of his oval face except in the short little moustache under the straight nose, listens to Nicky with a serious face, then goes for a kiss with a twinkle in his eyes. He kisses like he knows what Nicky likes, which is not true, but Nicky appreciates the dedication. 

They don’t kiss for the rest of their date, even if William’s eyes speak of genuine interest the whole time. He likes Nicky’s music, he’s a casual fan, but Nicky is so relieved that William hasn’t walked out on him that he struggles with making conversation about himself, preferring to let William talk about his novels and poems. The Brit reveals he wrote a poem about Nicky, back when all he knew about him was his music and how he looks in the music videos, dangerous and sexy. 

“I am not like that in real life,” Nicky apologises as they drink a last glass of wine. He’s not wearing eyeliner, or black leather pants, or the silver choker Andy says should be illegal on him. He’s just Nicky, the true side of him Joe knows best in the entire world.

“Of course,” William nods “You are more.” 

William’s poems are about Nicky.

William’s first poem is a praise for his music and his eyes. It’s not empty flattery but it’s still impersonal.

William’s second poem is about the gentleness of his smile and the truth shining in his eyes, and the blush on his cheeks when he agreed to sing for William as they were walking home, so late at night that they didn’t have to worry about rabid fans. 

William’s third poem is tinged with sadness and talks of a distance he can’t fill.

William’s fourth poem is more of a question, a series of deductions. He guesses everything right except Joe’s eye colour, and the reason why Nicky isn’t with him and has to settle for William. William’s not as cruel as he could be, despite what his evil moustache might suggest.

William’s fifth poem is never written, while Nicky gives him a page of his own.

“You wrote poetry for me,” William looks up from the note, genuinely surprised. Without the usual smugness, he looks younger, kinder.

“Lyrics,” Nicky corrects gently. “I’m not as good as the others.”

“I really like it. I could help you write better, though. I am a great teacher.”

“I don’t think it would make for a good date.”

William looks down on his plate. (This is how it ends.)

It’s a pity that they don’t like each other, they both agree at the end of their fifth date. Nicky likes kissing William, but he still goes to sleep every night with the ghost of the memory of Joe’s lips on his. When the tour starts, William kisses him goodbye, as friends, but in front of everyone else so that the rest of the group thinks they’re still dating if Nicky doesn’t want to correct them. It’s a nice parting gift that Nicky rewards with a fond smile that speaks of sincere affection.

“Be happy,” William says goodbye. “Don’t break.”

Joe reads the whole thing wrong. 

“I’m glad you found William,” he says three days after the bad fight (Nicky has been lying to him for seven months). They changed cities and Joe hasn’t mentioned his date, or the fight. Copley is going to ask them soon about the renewal of their contract with History Records, another thing they don’t talk about. With all these forbidden topics, not even the serrated routine of touring and all the other things they have to plan are enough to fill the silence.

“Thank you, me too.”

It’s not a lie, Nicky never realised how much he needed someone who knows that side of him, and he likes William’s snark on the phone, his dry humour translating perfectly through texts.

Joe nods, standing awkwardly by the door. Nicky left a space for him on the bed, body thrumming with energy at the thought of Joe taking up his offer of spending the afternoon together like the old times. Too bad that Joe has to be dolled up and photographed for a solo interview, while Nicky has to convince Copley to let him produce more songs. They keep their positions, stalling. Joe shifts from one foot to the other, hands in the pockets of his designer green military jacket.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time.”

“You’re still my person, Joe,” Nicky says. Realising Joe is worried to lose him burns low in his chest like roasted chestnuts. Joe’s curls are unruly and long like in their debut era, so Nicky stands up and goes to hide them under his favourite beanie. He kisses Joe’s forehead, standing a little on his tiptoes to make Joe smile.

Joe does smile, and leaves him alone in his hotel room after hugging him no less than three times. (It feels like a spell to make them okay.) Feeling exhausted and grateful they don’t have another concert for the next three days, Nicky sleeps for half an hour until a text from Booker wakes him up.

He groans and blinks at the screen.

‘ _ I talked to C, he said you can handle Piper if you promise not to punch merrick at the grammys _ ’.

‘ _ Thank you for talking to Copley. I’ll punch Merrick in private. _ ’

‘ _ hell yeah. but seriously get your ass here and let’s work on Piper, I need your magic _ ’

Nicky frowns.

‘ _ Flattery will get you nowhere, Booker. _ ’

‘ _ come on. I miss us’ _

And this is the first moment Nicky realises everyone is just as scared as him.

_ ‘I’ll ask Nile to join us.’ _

_ ‘she’s already here :3’ _

‘Piper’ turns out to be beautiful. It becomes the song that holds the memory of Booker pretending to rap over the base, with Nile improvising a stanza of her own that’s too good to save her from recording it for another song, and then the memory of Andy knocking on the door of the studio and joining them. It’s fragile and chaotic and they get only half of the work done, but everyone is trying. It feels a lot like a promise.

‘ _ Where are you? _ ’ Joe texts him when Nicky is the only one left in the studio, tweaking the song until Andy and Nile’s voices sound their best.

Without thinking, Nicky texts back: ‘ _ studio piper bring cibo _ ’ because Joe is the only one who gets his unfiltered texts in half Italian and no punctuation.

It turns out to be a terrible idea, because when Joe inserts the code that opens the door to the studio and sticks his head inside, he is not wearing the green military jacket anymore.

They’re used to seeing each other with eyeliner and eyeshadow, black tight pants and shirts with too many buttons opened.  _ Music is good, but visuals always help _ , says Copley with wisdom. Booker jokes that Nicky’s dick must have circulation problems during shows, but Nicky likes how the black leather looks on him. He has never been this fit —he sweats his days away to be this fit, it’s part of the job—, and just because he doesn’t like sex it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like looking good, and sexy. It gives him an advantage over Joe, who has always been the one who can make Nicky lose the ability to speak on a daily basis.

Nicky has seen Joe wearing corsets, wings, see-through shirts, slutty tank tops, criminally short shorts, fitted suits. He is usually able to act like a functional human being, but Joe hasn’t changed after his shoot and now looks  _ criminal _ . Torment and salvation in a single package. He’s Nicky’s greatest strength and flaw at the same time.

His lips look extremely kissable, some kind of witchcraft has made his eyes even more magnetic, his curls are styled just right, he’s wearing an asymmetrical brown-red leather jacket with too many zips that should look ridiculous but works. His trousers have a 70s edge that’s usually Nicky’s style, but Joe’s thighs deserve to be hugged that way by the fabric. Even his shoes are lavish and look expensive, but Joe wears them with the same ease of boots or vans. He’s beautiful.

“Can I come in?” Joe asks, with a glint in his eyes that makes Nicky understand he didn’t answer the first three times he asked.

“Sure.”

“I have food,” Joe explains.

“Oh, yes. We can’t eat here. But...”

“I can wait for you to finish the song. Let me listen.”

Nicky looks at Joe, now sprawled on the sofa like he’s waiting to be photographed again, and shrugs. The food stays in a corner, filling the air with the smell of fried rice.

“Oh, Korean, nice,” Nicky guesses, his stomach rumbles for food. “Here.”

Soon Joe is sitting dangerously close so that he can use the headphones, eyes trained on the screen while Nicky nods to his favourite bit of the song. He tries not to be affected by Joe’s closeness and huge eyes, by the casual way Joe touches his shoulder to gain balance on the arm of the chair. It’s nothing new, except that Joe’s eyes soon stray from the screen and settle on Nicky.

The song ends quietly as if they didn’t spend the last twenty seconds just holding their breath, melody forgotten.

“Nicky,” Joe bites his bottom lip. “Did you break up with William?”

Heavy silence settles between them. Joe’s hand tenses on Nicky’s shoulder.

“Yes.”

“Andy told me. Did you break up because of me?”

Nicky nods, every other part of him still, like Joe put a spell on him. Guilt moves in his stomach in waves of acid.

“I thought we didn’t have secrets,” Joe whispers. “But you stopped telling me things a long time ago. I don’t know how to be your best friend if we don’t talk. I can’t hug you, it hurts too much.”

There’s an otherness in Joe’s words that Nicky suspects comes from Lykon, who has always been too clever and Nicky has never made the mistake of underestimating him. Joe has rehearsed this.

“We all have secrets. That’s why we’re falling apart,” Nicky hits the keys with too much force, glad his voice doesn’t have tremors in it. He has been playing this game for a long time.

“That’s the only thing we can all agree on these days. I don’t understand you, Nicky. Not anymore. I don’t even know if you really want me around.”

Nicky doesn’t speak. (He would never cry in front of Joe.)

“Lykon said if you really loved me, all of this would have been different. You pull me right back in every time I think I can let you go. And we don’t play together anymore outside of shows. You don’t show me what you write and you don’t read over my shoulder because you’re scared to touch me, yet you kissed me in Berlin like you meant it. I can take it when Booker leaves and Andy dies over Quỳnh’s absence, but I don’t know if I can take any more pain from you.”

“I was careful,” Nicky’s voice finally wavers. Those words are his motto, yet they sound pathetic to his own ears. He looks at the door, where Joe is gripping the handle like a lifeline. He feels Joe’s absence next to him already. “I really love you, Joe.”

It’s not enough, it never was, but this way Nicky has the cruel satisfaction to see Joe start to cry before he reads everything wrong a third time and leaves Nicky alone.

They don’t speak. Their usual rituals are forgotten except when they’re being filmed, then Joe flicks a switch and is affectionate and warm like before, making Nicky wonder for how long he has been doing this. If Nicky has been reading Joe wrong the whole time.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The thing that saves them is Nicky getting hurt during a concert.

He is jumping up and down, the merciless beat of their second last song, ‘Iron Coffin’, making the crowd move like an ocean, and he screams in the microphone holding himself in the way he knows will make the crowd in front of him scream. There’s nothing that gives them power like music. When everything else fails, their songs are what gives Nicky confidence.

He has done this many times, the choreography changes just a little to fit the mood of the crowd and the venue, so later he won’t be able to explain what goes wrong, except one moment he is screaming his part, voice drowned by the chanting  _ — _ he rarely gets to sing the chorus of their songs, but when he does it’s glorious _ — _ , and the next his leg gives out on him, like his body won’t stand to be this tired any longer, his ankle twists, and he doesn’t have time to realise what just happened because his vision goes black but feels the worried hands of someone of the staff carrying him backstage.

The crowd is screaming and trying to be silent at the same time, with the base of the song still incongruously playing in all its fury, and Nicky can’t speak, or find his microphone. Voices talk to him, cold hands touch his ankle and leg while the pain of the cramps slowly gets more bearable. He’s not on stage anymore, neon lights flash above him when he tries to open his eyes. It’s always hot during concerts, the warm spring evening doesn’t help, but Nicky is careful and stays hydrated, eats before shows. He doesn’t know what went wrong.

“It’s bad,” he laments as they help him sit upright. Someone touches his ankle and it hurts. He can’t walk on that. “Copley, the last song,” he tries, knowing Copley must be close. He finds the manager looking at him, shaking his head.

“It’s probably broken,” says his physiotherapist. “You can’t go on stage.”

“Three minutes,” Nicky shakes his head. “It’s the last song. Tomorrow we leave for Spain.”

Copley just looks at him. Nicky feels stupid, there will be no Spain tomorrow, not for him for sure.

“What the fuck just happened!” Joe appears in a blur of white and silver, the wires of the earpiece dangling around his neck, his face as white as his clothes. He is almost glowing under the neon light and reminds a dazed Nicky of the moon.

“Andy is handling the crowd,” he adds as an afterthought.

“Broken ankle,” Luca says from Nicky’s side, an ice pack in his hands.

“She has to send the fans home. Concert’s over,” Copley declares. Nicky turns his head and sees Nile running back to the stage, her flowy bi flag still tied around her neck like a cloak. Joe doesn’t turn back, but Nicky sees the moment when shock leads to panic.

“Hayati, fuck,” Joe looks at Nicky with big eyes, a little angry as he always is when he’s worried. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“ _ E caddi come corpo morto cade _ *,” Nicky quotes, because fuck it, Joe is the only person he can quote Dante with without earning a worried look: it’s almost a ritual, exchanging quotes and lyrics, one started when they realised they wanted to write together. Joe doesn’t seem to draw comfort by it. 

Nicky knows he is being pathetic: the way Joe frets over him, ignoring Copley’s order to go back on stage for the last song, reignites the fire in his chest with a growl of satisfaction. Booker calls for Joe, Copley’s patience is wearing out, but Joe doesn’t leave Nicky’s side, even if his help consists in holding Nicky’s hand.

* _ E caddi come corpo morto cade  _ = ‘And I fell like a dead body falls’, Inferno V because I CAN

“I am really sorry,” Nicky grips Joe’s hand. Luca looks at them like he wants to point out Nicky isn’t going to die from his wounds, but he is too used to their antics so just shakes his head. “I want to tell you everything.”

“Not everything, just enough to help you. You don’t owe me an explanation,” Joe kisses Nicky’s hand, leaving a smudge of lipstick on the skin. “I didn’t like William much.”

“I don’t like any of your dates.”

Joe’s reaction is hidden by one of Copley’s minions, who forces a bottle of water in Nicky’s hands, and after that there is no way to continue their conversation, because Nicky single-handedly destroyed their plans for the last part of the tour and Copley wants to call a helicopter because he is not used to ‘his kids getting hurt’. Nicky ends up calling Mrs.Copley so that she can calm down her husband, something he knows he’ll have to pay with three home-cooked meals for the lovely couple.

Mrs.Copley is right when she says a broken ankle isn’t enough to destroy Andy and Copley’s plan for world domination. The first date is cancelled, but there’s still hope for Barcelona. Nicky is soon walking around their Italian house with crutches, Joe trailing behind him worried, scolding Nicky when he refuses to eat his body weight in food, “ _ You need the energy, Nicky! You fainted! _ ”

Joe is constantly around, his hands on Nicky’s arm, his arm around Nicky’s shoulders when they eat, absentmindedly petting his hair when he walks by the sofa where Nicky is stationed reading and listening to new music. His touch lingers when he notices Nicky doesn’t move away. 

They haven’t talked, but at least the tension is broken. Nicky suspects Andy talked to Joe before the concert, just like she was the one who told the group about William. Having that one secret out of the way does wonders to the mood in the house, because one thing they are all good at is protecting and comforting the weakest of the group in that moment. They all have their ways to remind Nicky that they love him, some bigger than others. 

For example, Nile declares she never trusted William’s moustache. Booker watches ‘Cinema Paradiso’ with him, then the entire ‘Lord of the rings’ trilogy, with immense patience and self-restraint while Nicky insults all of his favourite characters. (Nicky can’t stand Merry and Pippin, sue him.)

When Quỳnh calls during dinner, Andy doesn’t disappear to talk to her in private, hiding her lover-ex-soulmate away, but accepts the call and leaves the phone propped on the kitchen counter so that everyone can see and talk to Quỳnh on the small screen. No one is surprised that the lawyer, looking sharp and happy in her office, knows all about their schedule and Nicky’s ankle, “Andy keeps me updated,” she says, “I miss you all very much.”

“We miss you, too,” answers Nile. She exchanges a long look with Quỳnh, as if they’re having a long conversation about leaving and taking someone’s place and coming back, about friendship and priorities. Whatever she sees in Quỳnh’s eyes must make her happy, because Nile smiles, sweet and affectionate, like one does when you make peace with a friend. 

  
It probably helps that Nile is planning a solo album, Nicky thinks, a project where she can just be herself and not the one that came after. Nile broke the news the day before, waiting for the moment when they were all gathered in the livingroom to watch ‘Avatar: The last airbender’, Copley included. She was clearly nervous, but Booker’s first reaction, a “HOLY SHIT, KID!” that woke Joe up from his afternoon nap, helped defuse the tension. Nicky didn’t miss how Joe’s eyes got sharp and focused thinking of the possibility of a mixtape written entirely by one person. Nobody is talking about disbanding anymore, but that doesn’t mean they are not growing in different ways, like branches reaching for the same sun through different directions, starting from the same roots.

The next three days of forced break pass slowly, sharing the sofa with Nile. She is tired of touring, she confesses to Nicky while they watch  _ Masterchef Italia _ reruns, and it feels like a betrayal to her past self that what she wants to do the most is going back home and hugging her brother, who is less than a month away from graduating.

“We will be there for the big day if you ask Copley,” Nicky tries that evening, Nile is curled around him like a cat seeking comfort. She is the youngest and one of the few who has a family waiting at home for her. Nicky isn’t close to his parents, while Nile misses her mother fiercely and talks about her every time there is advice to give, claiming she would be the one to know exactly what to do, but they will have to settle for Nile’s lesser opinion. Nicky thinks they are lucky to receive some Freeman wisdom in any form. 

“We have to prepare for the Grammys,” Nile shakes her head. She’s wearing a Powerpuff Girls hoodie which initially belonged to Nicky, who will bring the secret to his grave. They both act as if he bought it for Nile, because he still has some dignity left somewhere and Nile indulges him with all the mercy and superiority a chosen-younger sister can muster.

“I’ll buy him the new playstation,” she decides. “Better than an expensive watch.”

“That will do. My sister’s pregnant,” Nicky tells her, a small smile tugging his lips. “We will be the weird relatives who bring expensive presents once in a year.”

“ _ You _ will be the weird uncle. I will be the favourite aunt if my brother ever has kids. Tell Laura I’m happy for her.”

“We don’t speak much these days. We had a fight.”

This is the problem with having friends who are also colleagues and your chosen family, they got so close to Nicky’s heart that he can’t really keep secrets from them without hurting. In the quiet of their Italian house –which is technically Nicky’s but has always been a base for the entire band–, he finally feels like he can talk again.

He doesn’t mean to come out to Nile that night, but it happens easily like exhaling air. He’s glad he doesn’t cry when he tells her that Laura wasn’t as understanding as her, mostly because of his sister’s complete ignorance on the subject. Nile moves closer, sneaking a kiss on his cheek when she hears how fast his heart is beating under her hand.

“Don’t worry. I’m okay,” Nicky declares like a spell. 

“We will be,” she agrees. “Will you talk to Joe?”

“I’m working on it.”

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

They’re all having breakfast at five in the morning. The plane leaves in two hours for Barcelona, the sky is still dark outside. Nicky doesn’t dare to speak, knowing that Andy, the only one as awake as him, hates mindless chatter before a trip. Booker is half snoring on Nile’s shoulder, but still asks for one of her airpods so they can both listen to sad songs first thing in the morning. Nicky prefers the silence. 

Sitting next to him wearing sleek reading glasses is Joe, closer to the dead and the living, already dressed in the baggy black clothes that became his classic airport look. It’s nothing they haven’t seen a thousand times before, but Nicky didn’t miss the way Joe looked for him as soon as he stepped into the kitchen, the purpose behind his half closed eyes when he went to hug Nicky. 

Sleepy Joe is warm, affectionate and teasing.

“You all look like shit,” he declares “Especially Nicky.” Nicky just hands Joe a cup of coffee wordlessly. He waits for Joe to take a sip. 

“You look worse, like a  _ procione _ .” (A raccoon. The Italian word has a funnier sound in his head, but maybe he is more tired than he thinks.)

Sleepy Joe never disappoints: he inhales coffee with a snort at the exact worst time, and Nicky laughs in triumph. Joe keeps coughing, coffee on his nose and beard, which is disgusting, Nile is right, but it doesn’t stop Nicky’s heart from sending a strong ‘We Love This Someone, Yes, This One’ signal to the brain. Sebastien and Andy laugh along with Nicky, causing him to complain the entire ride to the airport. He still decides to share the car with Nicky, professing that the Italian has the best shoulder to sleep on during the ride. Nicky allows himself to fall in love a bit more, and to be used as a human pillow.

_ Today _ , he thinks.  _ I’ll tell him today _ . 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_ Well that was a fucking lie,  _ Nicky thinks a week later, secrets still untold, after the last concert in Madrid ends with a less eventful version of ‘Iron Coffin’. Their Spanish fans scream until Nicky fears for their vocal cords, the sound follows him as he slowly moves backstage. It was weird to sing his solo song sitting on a chair, but the fans seemed to appreciate his presence more than usual after knowing of his injury. He knows he played beautifully tonight, and it’s partly because the crowd made him feel at home.

The other reason why he played wearing his heart on his sleeve is that he is still in love –no shit, Sherlock, but still something to be celebrated every day. 

Joe suspects Nicky wants to tell him something, knows (suspects?) he reciprocates his feelings, but still waits patiently, which adds to the reasons Nicky really hopes things will work out between them. Of course they’re not exactly comfortable friends like before, there’s some tension left in the way Joe gets worried about Nicky’s ankle and wants him to rest as much as possible in between shows, while Nicky doesn’t mention William anymore. Andy watches them with too many thoughts clearly readable on her face, but has the decency not to voice them, considering she still refuses to say if she will ask Quỳnh to go with her to the Grammys as her date. 

The Grammys. Hanging over them like Copley’s greatest nightmare and Joe’s not-so-secret dream since he decided he wanted to sing ‘forever until I die’ –Joe, age 9. Nicky says it’s a rigged game and it doesn’t mean anything, that success is not measured with awards, but that’s his role as ‘pretentious European who snobs anything that’s English’– Booker, age 18. Secretly, he really hopes they’ll win, he doesn’t want to see everyone crushed if they go home empty-handed. 

Nile said there is no way they won’t win at least one award, thus jinxing the entire thing in less than ten words. Nicky heard her words and screamed: “YOU JUST JINXED IT! WE’LL NEVER WIN!”

His reaction earned him the bewildered looks of half of the staff and another embarrassing video of his secret dramatic self that the fans loved. Joe filmed the whole thing, so the video is blurry and shaky from start to finish, yet Nicky thinks Joe’s laugh is worthy of recording. The video – ‘Nicky Being Dramatic’, uploaded on their official unofficial channel– has more than 3 million views; the thumbnail is just a blurry shot of Nicky screaming, wearing the bottom pants of the Powerpuff Girls pajamas and a tank top. 

“Soon you will become a meme, and then I will die happy,” Booker told him, laughing in French. It’s a special kind of laugh, mocking and infuriating. Nicky just did the ‘umbrella gesture’, which is incredibly Italian but still effectively insulting. (That part was cut out of their next video.)

They are sewing their shared edges together again, adapting to the way fame is changing their lives and dreams. They know that the upcoming performance at the Grammys is making everyone nervous, so everyone tries to communicate when they’re too tired to keep practicing. One evening, Nile says they can’t keep accepting interviews, no matter how good for visibility they are, and for the first time Andy and Copley nod and accept her request without further discussions. It’s still a tiring month, made worse by the fact that Nicky walks at the speed of a drunk snail, but it’s not as bad as before. Baby steps. 

Joe and Andy don’t really know what ‘avoiding burnout’ means, they plan their performance at the Grammys down to the second in between flights and soundchecks. Their vision amazes Nicky, who thinks they could just… go on stage and sing without any embellishments. When he says as much, Joe looks at him offended, then launches himself into a ten minute rant about the importance of the visuals of the performance, the necessity of coordinated outfits, thematic coherence, past album references for fans.

In the end, they get to the big night without big fights and other tragedies. Quỳnh is Andy’s date, dressed in midnight blue with sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat like a woman who knows that the cameras missed her face too much. 

For their performance, Nicky is dressed in dark blue and has blue hair like in the ‘ON Eternity’ music video, heavy makeup turning his face into a sharpened, dark version of himself. Booker looks like a vampire, white and silver and decadent, Nile is gorgeous in ivory and gold, Andy has a… a fake axe strapped to her back, and looks scary. Joe’s outfit was designed by some expensive label Nicky is supposed to know about, judging the way Joe handles the clothes as if they’re pure gold, a reverent expression on his face when he passes a hand over the fabric.

When everyone is ready and it’s time for the first round of photos, Nicky realises what Joe wants to tell about their album and the band: they all look coordinated, clearly part of the same group, but at the same time each outfit is reminiscent of a different historical period, with silver and gold anachronistic elements that give a futuristic edge. Andy looks like an immortal warrior, Nile is a star of the silver screen, Booker is a gentleman of a Gatsby induced dream, Joe is sharp and modern, with a vintage 70s ‘slutty’ (Nile’s words) vibe. He looks like a charming criminal when he smiles. 

They separate in small groups for photos and last makeup touches. Nicky already has his earpiece ready, the wires hidden behind his back. 

Nicky looks down on himself, wondering what the midnight blue asymmetrical suit says about him. He looks in the mirror and finds a different Nicky looking back, impossible to pin down. 

He hears Joe getting closer and waits, still but breathing, until they’re sharing the same reflection.

“We couldn’t decide for you,” Joe admits. His tone is a bit wistful, his eyes soft. “So we asked for a depiction of the future. Dark blue, like the sky at night, and the deepest oceans. Something we turn our eyes to when we wonder about the possibilities of the universe, what corner of the world we’ll be able to cut out for ourselves. Beautiful and almost known, like a dejavu that comes from a dream, but deep down you know it’s something you have never lived, only imagined. The future you can’t predict because you’re too close to see what you need, instead of what you want.”

Nicky has stopped breathing. He turns and finds Joe lost in their reflection. The love of Nicky’s life is not sad, but melancholic. He wears the same expression he had when Copley told him they will probably never win Album of the year: a mix of hope, acceptance and burning, concealed want. 

He can’t bear to see Joe like this, Nicky realises, not anymore. Not if he can help it.

He brushes Joe’s cheek and wordlessly asks to look at him, but Joe is still lost in his thoughts and doesn’t move, and Nicky stupidly thinks of Orpheus. He could write a song about how many times he looked back at Joe when he was walking away, hoping they were still on the same path. 

“It’s my favourite kind of future,” Joe confesses. “Still cut from the fabric of dreams.”

Only then, when he is sure Nicky understands that Nicky is Joe’s dream, that Joe doesn’t know what the future holds and he is asking Nicky for answers, because he loves him, only then Joe looks at Nicky and lets himself be kissed.

“I love you,” Nicky says when his need for air is as urgent as his desire to keep kissing Joe. Just like with Nile and Andy in their house in Italy, just like in all the important moments in his life, rare and shining among the rubble, Nicky knows what to say. “But I don’t want sex. Ever. And I am scared of losing you because change terrifies me and I think we’re still growing up in a way I don’t understand. But I know that I really, really love you. You’re my favourite future, too.”

Joe doesn’t mistake the sureness of his words for confidence of the heart. He knows that Nicky is scared, screaming inside that he probably ruined everything despite the fact that every star in the universe is probably spelling ‘JOE LOVES NICKY’ high above their heads. That’s why Joe does what he does best among the group, his trick of magic that made Nicky fall in love with him more than his curls and his warm dark eyes: he talks, and through reassurances and hopes and further declarations of love, he agrees with Nicky that they could have a very good future, as long as they’re together.

  
  


Nicky plays his heart out in a midnight blue suit, and when they win —because they win everything, except Album of the year, which goes to a white man in his late thirties—, he knows it’s his turn to make a speech.

It’s not as good as one of Joe’s, but it makes the point clear. 

  
  
  


**Comments on ‘The Old Guard wins Best Rock Song | 2021 GRAMMYs Acceptance Speech’**

_ So...who feels like a clown right now _

_ Oh MY GOD WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK _

_ [13k likes] _

_ Ok who cares about destiel JoeNicky shippers take the win I think my roommate is not breathing, she’s shipped them forever _

_ I have shipped Jooker for two years but I have never jumped ships so fast that was the best ‘we’re together’ speech of the fucking century _

_ I HAVE NEVER TALKED ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE AND I NEVER SUSPECTED THAT THE CORONATION OF THE HEIGHT OF MY MUSICAL CAREER UNTIL NOW WOULD BE THE BEST MOMENT TO START BUT NOW THAT I’M HERE I KNOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THE MAN STANDING BESIDE ME, YUSUF AL KAYSANI, MORE THAN I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS EVER ALLOWED TO LOVE IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. I AM MANY THINGS OTHER THAN A MUSICIAN, GAY, ASEXUAL, ITALIAN AND IN LOVE, AND ALL OF THEM HAVE AN IMPACT ON THE MUSIC I WRITE. I HOPE PEOPLE CAN HEAR OUR SONGS AND REALISE THEY DESERVE A PLACE IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN EXISTENCE AND THAT THEY DESERVE TO BE LOVED FOR WHO THEY ARE. I REALLY LOVE YOU JOE SORRY FOR THIS MESS OF A SPEECH _

_ [1M likes] _

_ And here I thought grammys were boring twitter just crashed down AGAIN _

_ I thought Nicky was going to faint but then he started talking and didn’t stop and he looks so good and happy I LOVE YOU SO MUCH _

_ Joe was crying, Quỳnh was crying, I was crying…. 10/10 would do it again _

_ Joe didn’t even look at the grammy he kept looking at nicky, I need a moment _

_ do you think love existed right until this moment? I think they just invented it right in front of my eyes _

  
  



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